One way to win friends and influence people: Don’t argue

I’m sure you’ve heard of the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.  It was published in 1937 by Dale Carnegie, has sold over 15 million copies, been translated into 16 languages, and is still on Business Week’s latest list of best sellers (7/14/08, p. 99).

But have you ever read it?

Until a few years ago my answer was no, because I always thought the title sounded silly and manipulative.  Then I opened the book and became its biggest fan.  In fact, I have learned more about everyday human behavior from this book than from all the books I read to get my Ph.D. in psychology from Harvard.  It’s now near the top of my list of the top business development books for lawyers.  

One senior lawyer who read the book on my recommendation told me that this book “changed my life.”  All right, he was pulling my chain, but just a little.  I know because he recommended the book to several of his partners.  And one of them found it so valuable that he kept it in his bedside table for night time reading.

When legal marketers sign up for our Certified Coach Program, each gets a copy of Carnegie’s book.  (They also get two others:  Neil Rackham’s SPIN Selling Fieldbook, and my book AdverSelling.) 

Some of the most valuable advice for lawyers is found in Carnegie’s chapter on “A Sure Way of Making Enemies,” starting with the story of an attorney who argued the case of Lustgarten v. Fleet Corporation before the US Supreme Court.  When one of the justices said “The statue of limitations in admiralty law is six years, is it not?” the attorney replied, “Your Honor, there is no statute of limitations in admiralty.”

“A hush fell on the court and the temperature in the room seemed to drop to zero,” the lawyer later reported (p. 126). “I spoke better than I ever spoke before. But I didn’t persuade.  I made the enormous blunder of telling a very learned and famous man that he was wrong.”  The lawyer may have won the argument, but he lost the case. 

Of course, in many situations it is a lawyer’s job to argue.  But when the time comes to win friends, influence people, and develop new business, “You can’t win an argument... If you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it; you lose it.  Why?  You will have made [the other person] feel inferior…he will resent your triumph” (page 117).

Or, as Ben Franklin put it: “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you will achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will” (page 118).

When my colleague and friend Joyce shopped for new kitchen cabinets, she found the lowest price at a lumber store about a mile from her dream house.  But the designer in that store argued with her about having two separate sinks in her kitchen, and told her that the shaker-style cabinets she wanted had become a cliché.  Now Joyce may be even cheaper than I am, and she tried to convince herself to ignore the argumentative sales person and save money by buying at this store.  But she ultimately decided to pay a little more and buy the cabinets elsewhere, just to avoid working with that designer.  In fact, she even tells her friends to avoid the place.

If you’d like to read dozens of other examples of arguments that backfired, just Google “winning an argument” and scan the blog accounts of arguments with spouses, relatives, and friends.  You will find one piece of evidence after another for Carnegie’s central idea: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.  Especially if you want to develop new business.